1) 'My new years resolution is to be mean and nasty: no more Mr nice guy.'

2) 'What else is special about metals? What happens when you apply a force?'
Student: 'They bend sir'
'When you apply a force, nothing happens. When I apply a force, the metal bends'

3) 'Hydrogen Sulphide, once smelled, never forgotten'

4) (Talking about Hydrogen Sulphide)
'If you can smell it you're still alive, if you can't you're in big trouble'

5) 'Wipe down the benches. Spotless! A clean chemist is a good chemist'

6) (Some students enter the lesson late, they claim it is due to the snow)
'That's not snow, that's dawdling'

7) (Directions on using an implement)
'It's a long metal thing. Use the pointy end'

8) (When asked for large beakers)
'I've got bigger beakers than you could pick up'

9) (Someone drops a test tube)
'They don't bounce very well do they?'

10) (Mr White was using a sink plunger to unblock a sink)
Student: 'Why don't you use 'Mr Muscle' sir?'
'Who needs Mr Muscle when you've got me?'

11) 'Diamond is the hardest natural substance.......Except for me'

12) 'The deadline is tuesday, and remember, I'm the man who puts the dead into deadline'

13) 'How many people here are not finished, hands up....... so all you people still writing are writing to Czechoslovakian penfriends then?'

14) 'Danny, you're out of your seat again, get back. It's a simple system , made for simple souls'

15) 'Open book, engage brain, wakey wakey, turn the lights on'

16) (Said many many times over the last year)
'You are special level people, I want a special level answer'

17) (Said whilst cutting small lumps off a large nugget of Potassium)
'It's hard for you to tell, but it's very soft. Even you could cut this.....probably'

18) (Said after making a powerful alkali)
'They use it as paintstripper, it dissolves things very well
(He points to a student who is sitting too close to the reaction)
........especially skin'

19) 'Tom, I can tell that you're standing up...sit down!'

20) (Talking about an unusual piece of apparatus) 'I hold the cork end, not the wire end,
(He points at the wire)
(He points at the cork)
Cold. The smell of burning flesh is not pleasant, so hold the right end'

21) 'Listen please.....That's not listening! Shut up!'

22) 'Hoi. Friendly warning, shut it'

23) 'I'm a highly trained professional'

24) (Someone from another lesson had been taken to casualty)
Student: 'Who's going to casualty sir?'
'You, if you don't do some work soon'

25) 'This is a science lab, not a playground'

26) (Said quietly to himself)
'This sink is well blocked'

27) 'Have you always been an idiot, or as it come on lately?'

28) (Spoken to a student who is on crutches, asking her to spit out her chewing gum into the bin)
'Walk this way, exercise that leg'

29) 'Disengage mouths, engage brains'

30) 'Lines of best fit are not wobbly!'

31) 'Your chin is moving up and down, no sound is coming out -that's chewing!'

32) (Talking about magnetism)
'You've been separating your 'Blue Peter' cans with your magnets recently, so you should know that not all metals are magnetic'

33) 'Tom, you're chewing'
Student: 'No I'm not'
'If you want to pick a fight with me,
(He beckons)
come here'

34) 'Phil! Tuck your shirt in or I really will show you danger'

35) 'Helen! Safety glasses on. Your working with dangerous people'

36) 'Cold water, hot tubes, don't mix very well'

37) (Talking about a coursework investigation that was due in on this particular day)
'You should all have pieces of paper in front of you, or very worried faces'

38) (Talking about giving detentions to people who haven't given in homework)
'I mean detentions with a letter 'S' on the end'

39) 'Do something constructive. In your case (Points to a student)

40) 'Write your names on these sheets' Student 'why?' 'If I find any of these sheets around, I know who's they are and I make life unpleasant for them'

41) 'Diamond is well aard'

42) (Talking about drinks in cans that heat up when you open them. Said sarcastically)
'Do you know what I mean? Maybe you've never seen them, maybe you're not as sophisticated in Macclesfield as where I live?"

43) 'Adam, the bin's over there. Use it.'

44) (Tim Preston was not working)
'Tim, your pen isn't whizzing across the page' 'No Sir' 'Make it whizz'

45) 'I am not going to be interrupted while I do an assembly. .........Shut.......Up!'

46) 'Tom, you're still chewing'
Student:'No I'm not'
Student:'I'm not, Sir'
'It'll be really embarressing to be stuck in the bin with your legs up in the air and your head in it'

47) (Spoken to a student)
'You need to go to charm school'
Student: 'Me Sir?'
'Yeh, cause you aint got none'

48) (Taken from a years 10 and 11 assembly, talking about Chinese mythology)
'I was born in the year of the snake, which doesn't sound particularly flattering,
(Much hilarity from the audience. He continues with renewed strength)
until you realise what that means, they [The chinese] think it makes you,
(Goes quieter)
Quiet, reserved, gentle, refined, thoughtful, superb organizers, take pride in their appearance, calm, sensitive, the very best aspects of the snake. Well, this is obviously true for me.....'

49) (Said after someone had made a symbol equation which had not balanced)
'We are not magicians, we are scientists'

50) (Talking about physicists)
"They're all hippies"
Student: "But they make atom bombs that kill people"
"But they're wierd, hippies"

51) Student: "Are you bullet proof sir?"
"But aren't you the hardest substance known to man?"
"Yes, but I have a soft centre"

52) (Talking to a female student who was eating chewing gum)
"Equal opportunities act, I could put you head first in the bin, just like anyone else with chewing gum"

53) "Your last ever chemistry lesson, the end of an era, don't forget to bring the tissues, there won't be a dry eye in the house"

54) "For heaven's sake sit down, you should be nailed to your seat during the exam"

55) "Tom, if you don't sit down, there will be some big nails coming out to nail you to your chair"

56) "We have to do 1 hours work in 50 minutes, which we won't do if people with big mouths carry on using them"

57) Another member of staff: "We havesome new sixth formers coming over from Ryles Park School: ... and Sarah Snowball"
"Snowball? That's not a real second name, next you'll be telling me that father christmas is coming to the sixth form"

58) "If anything was going to interfere with your sensitive skin I'd let you know"

59) "Whats a few billion particles between friends?"

60) "Practice will make perfect, that's why God gave us homework"

61) "Their called wash bottles, NOT water pistols! Wash bottles"

62) "Are you happy Phil?"
"Good, cause that gives me a warm glow inside"

63) "I'm such a big softy, I've even put it on the sheet"

64) "You need to do some mathematical Jiggerypokery........ Don't tell me its that mathematical jiggerypokery letting you down?"

65) "You have to remember I'm an old man, so I might not use your fancy Dan ways"

66) "I haven't got a calculator, but I have a brain like a calculator"

67) "If you really don't know the equation, tell me and I'll take pity on you"

68) (Comparing a reaction to running up a down escalator)
"If anyone uses the word escalator in their A-level exam, I will be forced to kill them"

69) "State symbols; they are just good housekeeping really"

70) (Talking about one particular useful fact)
"This is an excellent one for a little tattoo on the arm"

71) "I will nominate someone to be my deputy, some fine upstanding citizen"

72) (Talking about a video stuck in the machine) "If in doubt, stick in a pair of scissors"

73) (After a particularly cheesy chemistry video) "The CD of the soundtrack is available from all good record stores"

74) "You're not supposed to be writing! Calm those pens."

75) "So if you put your vinegar on your chips, that's what's happening, H+ions and CH3OO- ions sprinkled liberally to give that flavour you all love"

76) "Concentrated acids and designer clothes don't go very well together. If you spill it on your clothes and clean it off, nothing will appear to happen, but when you wash them you will get big holes in them. You have been warned, so its a good job that some of you are wearing cheap clothes"

77) "We are not going to use concentrated HCl because it makes Chlorine which kills people"

78) (After having made a mistake on the board) "I knew you'd write that. Shake that tippex"

79) (After telling us the name of a Scandinavian chemist) "You will never be asked his name in the exam, but you can amaze your friends in pub quizzes in years to come"

80) "Use the LOG button, unless you haven't got one because your calculator came free with cornflakes"

81) "You know how much teachers lie when you're doing GCSE"

82) "Nobody comes to Bolton unless they have to"

83) (Said during a small competition in the last lesson of term)
Student: "What do we get if we win?"
"You get a pat on the back and the rosy glow that goes with winning"

84) "Don't light the end of the delivery tube, it doesn't burn, but it explodes and the cork flies off the top of the conical flask, hits the ceiling and you wet yourself. Don't do it!"

85) (Said when no-one could answer a question) "How many brain cells did you people kill over christmas?"

86) "......At 25 degrees C, which is a temperature chemists like to work at, a nice warm room....."

87) "I see a few blank looks, which I'm sure are more due to christmas than chemistry"

88) (Said after a student had thrown a rubber at another student) "Never a wise thing to do, particularly when you are so small and weedy"

89) "That's what happens when you glaze over Rob, when the lights are on but there's nobody home"

90) "But it seems a shame to move on without a little test"

91) "Anyone who mentions escalators will die before they leave the maths room. Use big words, not analogies. We're getting older and wiser now, so no tricks."

92) "Have you got syllabuses. I'm sure Mrs James has given you them by now. No? That's terrible, I'll have words with her"

93) "It should be in a big red box outlined in green and underlined in yellow"

94) "Some of you wrote me a long paragraph. It was beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes, but you didn't answer the question!"

95) (After error on the board) "Sorry, useless chalk"

96) "Don't get Potassium Permanganate on yourself, you'll have brown skin for a month. (Menacing pause) Only on the bits exposed"

97) "Are there any questions? (Quiet pause) As you know, I get very suspicious of quiet people, but I can't force your arms against your back. (Short pause) I'm seeing all these people sat there thinking 'What did he say?' Who's going to be the first to put their hand up and ask (Patronizing voice) 'What does that mean?"

98) "Any questions yet? Must be! Non? ...... Spooky"

99) "What colour was the precipitate?"
Student: "Green." (Pause) "No, brown!" "Was that 'Green new guess brown!' ? It was brown not green! Come on! Can't have twenty colour blind people in the group"

100) "This is the beauty of the modern technology that is the chalk board. I can write equations that I understand on it"

101) Student: "Do you write the state symbols?"
"Oh, you do, I was just being lazy, a lot of effort"

102) "Just write down all the notes and Mr White will be very happy. It's easy to con him"

103) (Spoken to a student in the corridor, we pick up action part way into the quote...) "Its very simple. If you're lucky, your teacher will only give you a half hour detention for being five minutes late. If you're unlucky, he'll send you to me"

104) Student "Tessa says 'can we work in pairs'?"
"Ditch him Tessa, the answer is no!" (Points to a student wearing a sling) "There may be one exception - Fancy injuring your burette hand"

105) Student: "When's next lesson?"
"Who knows... Its best to live life one day at a time"

106) (Arrives at room for lesson only to find a supply teacher still in there with her class, when prompted to go in...) "I might be hard, but I'm not that hard"

107) (A student is finishing a piece of work after the lunch bell) "Right Katie, I have to go and sit in a detention in room ten. So when!! you're finished, put the cat out and leave the key under the mat, bye bye"

108) (After writing on Mrs Davis's electronic white board with the wrong pens, Mr White is trying to destroy the evidence...) "Aha!! I think I'll use water, I mean, there's only about 1000 volts running behind this.."

109) "I want to see your eyes, not your ears!"

110) "I know you will all be heartbroken if I don't give you this interesting homework, I don't like to see you cry, so I will"

111) (Talking about tectonic plates) "Now then, if you get stuck in the exam, do what I did and use your hands to show how those plate boundaries move. I mean, who cares if you look like a plonker, make it into the next dance craze"

112) (Mr White closes someones book onto their fingers) "No no, not now girls, Homework means Home - Work, in other words, work to be done at home"

113) "Now those who haven't done their homework, leave a page and I shall try to keep the blood off that one"

114) "I think I will pick on you since you look pretty gormless"

115) "I only trust you as far as I can throw you, and I'm a pretty strong guy, so you little people must be very trustworthy, but, on the other hand, I don't know and I'm not going to try"

Big thankyou to Katie Edwards for supplying several priceless gems...Also to Tom Gibson for helping in the early days of the list.

transcribed by Tom Kitching